5-2+Essay+Comments+-+Anonymous

THESE ARE COMMENTS ON THE ESSAYS "I WAS, I AM and I WILL BE" and "PAGE 217 OF MY 300 PAGE AUTOBIO". NAMES AND PERSONAL INFO ARE DELETED. THIS WILL HELP YOU SEE WHAT SUGGESTIOSN LOOK LIKE ON MANY TYPES OF ESSAYS.

Page 217: Need to take more risks. Your I was I am essay about BB and crew could be more creative. Can you approach the essay from the point of view of a drop of sweat, your sneakers, turn the world upside down and see things from a different perspective. xx. docx- I assume this is v2 of iwas iam: When you talk about rushing through homework, push the metaphors - Homework time felt like it moved at a snail's pace and this snail "was on a razor's edge*". Damned if I did …. You get the idea…. Do more than narrate events - talk about your fears, your hopes, be more visceral in your descriptions. BTW - "mistakes can define a person" seems like a pessimist's view on life, unless you show how you have come to see mistakes as the stepping stones to success, setbacks as the necessary component of the waltz of life… etc


 * from the movie Apocalypse Now

Autobiography is too safe.

I was I am: good first attempt but too safe. Take a risk with your approach. Bring in some emotion. " The thought of a test would send rivulets of sweat down my back, a chill down my spine, a feeling of fists tightening around my gut." you get the idea… I was I am V2: ND.DOC. Loved the start. Great way to draw the reader in. I liked the way you got me "hooked". Look at the 1st sentence of FF to Present: what does it add. In an essay any sentence that does not add to the point, take away from it - its almost a double penalty. Why do you want to be a well rounded individual? What does it mean to you in HS? Just "taking part" in karate means nothing but what you get of out Karate - when the sweat runs down your forehead, your muscles scream for rest and you need to execute that perfect roundhouse before sensei allows you to rest. You have to break that impossible barrier -…. Pick NASA or a private space exploration firm and go with that. This issue with test taking in the last paragraph - orphan thought! Develop it early or get rid if it. Good job overall. Great improvement. Page 217: Good start. However, I have a question - what did the previous 216 pages contain if page 217 talks about your pre elementary school days? A lot of events but not enough of who you are or your real experiences. If the events then relate to something today, it might complete the story. Expand on the lunch experience, the memories at recess - the sights, sounds and smell. The emotions, the exhilaration of being chosen for a team on the playground - not being the last kid! It is the small things described well and threaded into a story that make this essay powerful. Emotions will blow through any barriers. Get the reader interested. You can relate this page to a new assignment that you have to head up a trade mission to India on space colonization. A flashback. ( just one idea).

Page 217: Liked your approach and topic. I would not look to solve this monumental issue in one page. Break it down into a small break that eventually led to the big break. Something you saw in the face of the north korean delegate, a flicker of pain, understanding when you mentioned "lost friendships". You dig and come up with an approach…

Iwas, Iam: I really liked your talking about who YOU were and not about things you do. Power in writing comes from transporting the reader to that moment, that situation that event where you can convey what you felt, the rush, the fear, the horror or the happiness directly into the heart of the reader. Remember - words are the only arrows for which there are no armors. I don't really get what you meant by I was a "nice person", I am a "nice girl" and I will not be a "nice girl". I think this "nice girl" may be very culturally dependent and may not translate to the admissions folks. Your Iwas Iam version about dyslexia had an excellent start. The imagery of letters dancing before your eyes and letters turning into swirls and paragraphs to planets were- and your fears were gut wrenching. Your writing and grasp of the language are significantly above average even for this competitive crowd. I would like to see this essay continue with the I feel, I see approach rather than I will do. I would also like to see you value being proud of yourself over others being proud of you.

The I was I am essay was good. I think you could get more creative and take more risks. Make your descriptions more vivid, more colorful. " I was a 9th degree dan in video games. No ninja could come close to my stealth, my cunning and my dedication to this much maligned art form. My thumbs were registered as a lethal weapon in the Video game hall of fame! (OK that one was corny)."… GO BIG. BTW 3 Idiots is not Slumdog Millionaire - no admin officer knows the movie. I was I am v2(I think): I was innocent and ignorant…good start. I would followup with an incident to shore up that point. Make it more powerful. You may even want to start with the incident " Yo XXXX - The gym teacher says udabest." Just as I was a about to turn away, I caught a hint of a snicker that exploded into a chorus of laughter that morphed into a spike(to the heart) by the time it got to me. (I'm sure you could do better.. But I want you to make the reader become interested in you.). I like to expression of self doubt - it is honest. The question is - what are you doing about it? How will you learn to know yourself. How will you figure out what your passions are? How will you know what you want to do? It's OK not to know the answers, but what you plan to do to resolve the question is important. Page 217: Like the way you started. "put the parameters into the computer" what does it add to the description or the central thought. BTW this essay does not need a complete problem statement - solution structure. Just go on the journey. I might even suggest ending the page in mid ( continued of next page). Use the room to develop a sudanese character and what made you pick them as the recipients of your gift and what it means to them - also talk about your feelings, your misgivings, hope etc.

I was I am essay: Good first attempt. You could do better than sound like you are chronologically listing events. I need to see some feeling, some emotion that tells me who you are. You are In 9th grade - I am proud of you for starting this process early. Take risks. Pick one thing and talk about it in detail. Eg: I dreaded / loved going to dance class because… When I was done with class, my feet were the color of red beets, I often wondered if I could even make it to the car. My dance teacher loomed large, physically and emotionally…..

I was I am Crazy Version: I liked it. The first paragraph leaves me wondering about this " I was abused" statement. There is not enough detail here to make it powerful. Your final paragraph makes me wonder if you are still in that funk, even as you espouse buddhist philosophy. You could add some more color to the descriptions…. Instead of the tried and old " I would trade all the diamonds…" try " I would trade cold water on a hot summer day to feel the pleasure of the slow burn from an all out workout. This was power, this was control.. I guess this is as close to nirvana as I can come now!" Page 217: Understanding human life and race is so general that it does not allow you to develop a good essay in a page. At the end you talk of finding a purpose - it needs more exposure. Writing in the first person is more powerful than: "we are all ..disrespected, …loved". You need to pick a specific idea, a theme and develop it with enough details to maintain the readers interest.

I was I am: I think you could do better. This essay gives the impression of a student with no passions. A middle of the road approach is not what the competitive colleges are looking for. If making money is an objective, then talk about your plans and current activities to study "money" "success" etc. Any objective is good - what should set you apart is how you are preparing to get and accept success. Page 217: I need to know you as a person when I read this. I like the vision of being a CEO. Even then, you must have had exciting moments, moments of vulnerability, moments where the challenge seemed insurmountable… the problem and solution do not have to come in this one page but the emotions and a sense of journey have to be there. I appreciate your thoughts on organization of a company but that has nothing to do with you. Good first attempt but you can do better. Search, think, feel and express. Get colorful and creative, you can always make it tame(r) later.

__I was Iam: Loved the approach. You start off bland and say.. Wait a minute..what am I doing? Great way to generate interest and draw a reader into your character. I wish you limited the amount of discussing general philosophy and make this your essay, what do you feel, - I think "I believe…. . My dreams…, My Fears.. Would make this more powerful . I will .. Would make it more interesting. Page 217: Loved the thinking process and the approach. I would submit it to your favorite english teacher and get feedback. Improvement in the thinking process and approach is beyond my ability.__

Iwas I am: Good first attempt. I would like to see you to see you really tell me about yourself - not facts, not events but what they meant to you. Make your expressions colorful here - no penalties for risks. "The warm safety of Lansdale, for me, was the home of languid summers with a 9 month school break in between. This heaven, I never felt the desire to leave. My friends, my family, my crushes, my gossip circle, my nemeses(?) .. Wow so many MY's here. When I go past the lush greens of …. " Use your feelings, describe the smallest of things, go far out with your expressions, have fun with the essays. I am in the key club and enact club is OK but you can do better - tell me what you should be writing here. Tell me what you feeeeeeel! When you talk about future plans - medical field but nothing to do with blood - leaves one wondering why you want to do medical anything. Explain - and talk about what you are thinking - every problem does not need solution but the reader needs to know how what you are doing to solve the problem - of if you are not going to do anything, make it a conscious choice.

I was, I am: Good first attempt. I would want you to take a different, more unorthodox approach. " I was ( and to some extent will always be..) a dreamer. "XXXX sizes up the greens. This is a tricky one - the greens slope in and down to the cup. He pauses, takes a practice swing and then….. The ball seemed to hang on the rim for all eternity.. XXXXX! THE DISHES ARE STILL IN THE SINK! …." you get the idea. Hug details, show your emotions, make the reader get to know you. Make the emotions real. Search your memories for those moments. Write them down, the small details, the flicker on your friend's face, the tremor in your mom's voice, the muted emotions of your dad when….. I am more interested in why you want to be a golfer, or something in medicine.

Iwas, Iam: Good first attempt. Tell me what you feel, not what you did. " Diligent, determined and organized is how my mom would have described me - some of my friends would have called me anal! Schedules and priorities are how I lived my life. How would anyone stay on top of things otherwise? Despite all that "organization" I barely felt in control. I felt the need not just to complete but conquer and vanquish objectives; and how I piled them on, with the zest of a cheerleader at a state championship game." You get the idea here, get out of your comfort zone of writing. Go large with expressions. Be true to your emotions when you write. Explore how you felt about things and write about it. It will be more powerful. I want to know one interaction while you were a volunteer, one conversation, one look from a grateful patient as she held you hand… a look of horror that you felt compelled to ameliorate(?). Search, feel and then write. Page 217: Need name, essay assignment name and version in the name of DOC and your name on every page. Loved the opening. Please watch spelling (past). I would love to see a few memories of why your dog was so precious to you. When was he your confidant, your cheerleader, your hugging pillow, your playmate, your empath? When will you miss him as you go through significant events in your life? Make me feel for him. Expand on the "cuteness and smartness" and the "memorable footprints". Think, search your memories, feel and then write - and do it all over again.

Iwas Iam: I liked the concise approach. I was relaxed, carefree, I am rushed, hurried and worried and I think college will be less stressful - no performance anxiety and no extraneous subjects (not true by the way). I want to see some details on what hurried is doing to you or what you are worried about. Pick one morning and write all the thoughts that flow through your head - maybe that will spark some thoughts on one incident that you can talk about in detail, which will convey your emotions and draw in the reader.

I was, Iam: I like the detail. Here are some of my suggestions for improvement: Moving around a lot can present many interesting challenges - but your essay seems to gloss over them. Tap into the fear, the hopes, the sadness, the happiness and bring YOU to life. India to canada to horsham to blue bell - so what? Were you always happy when the move was announced, did you have any misgivings, how was the first day in ontario - what was the name of the boy or girl who you spoke to first. Apprehensions? Aha moments? The feeling of "I belong here". How did that journey happen. "I am interested in almost everything" is a wide statement. "I have the ability to make friends with whoever I meet." still leaves a lot unanswered as to how you think and feel. I still don’t know you. I liked your "I will be" start. When you say you want to own a cruise ship, I need to have seen elements of your interest in the sea or business, in your past or present. The idea sprung up without any foundation. How did this dream start? Why? Why not a captain? Examine the questions, write down the answers, then you can refine the essay with all of the powerhouse moments.

Iwas, Iam: You could do better than this. Reading fiction and writing but no math - was that YOU! What about friends, likes, dislikes, how confident you were, how you made friends or were a loner? Afraid to speak up? Or no one could shut you up? Who are you? Your fears, hopes, dreams, your weakness, how you are struggling to overcome them. Take me on the journey with you. Iwas I am revised: Wow that is a great start. You transported me and took me on the journey. Loved the Iwas and I am, but the I will be seemed like your editor was urging you to finish the book to make the publishing deadline. Develop it more. It also seems discontinuous from the first two paragraphs. Beware of orphan ideas. Please add your name to the doc name and in the title of the page. Page 217: Loved the start and the approach. Instead of " as I learnt about the classmates - stick to your style and say " jenny the tall athletic one lived on a farm in our neighborhood ! . Joe, the perpetually sleepy…. You get the idea? Make the last sentence more creative! Good work. Please add your name to the doc name and in the title of the page.

I was Iam: Good first attempt: Your last two sentences of the first paragraph " I used to be afraid to stand out. Most of all I was afraid that I would pass through life being the same as everyone and making no difference.." Interesting dichotomic fears! But very real and a great anchor fro your essay. I want to know how chess fascinates you. What tennis feels like and how writing liberates your emotional gargoyles and creative angels! I would like to see what a happy successful life would be for you and why would you think you would be happy. Hopes, fears, joys, tears, desire, passion and will to succeed ( driven by what?). That makes a good essay.

I was I am: Good first attempt. I really like the specific career interest - forensic psychiatrist. I would like to have seen the moment where this interest was awakened! The aha, the spark, the angles singing….or the slow dawn of a hunger - a bloom of passion, the hop skip and jump from surprise, to curiosity to interest and wham! - the landing on the mission with both feet. Your start could be more powerful - how about " Grades were never the problem; numbers and words were literally" child's play" as I was growing up. …. Then talk about what was the challenge. If not back then, what about now - ask the same questions. What are your childhood goals? You mention them twice, but they are "orphan thoughts". Page 217: Take me to the event or the words that your mom and your dad used to plant the seed of "pride". Did you always understand what it meant? How did you come to understand it? Take me to the day before the election, or the day when you decided to run, or the day you sent the nomination form in.. Your thoughts, your hopes and fears - make the reader walk a page in your shoes! Everyone know what the Student council is - your role in the council is important. "… a T shirt was to be made…" How would you re write that to be more powerful? Imagine that you are reading this in your favorite Vampire novel! Get more personal - the food collection campaign can make more of an impact if you connected with it personally. Show me how you got curious as to how the campaign "made a difference". What did you do to find out? If not, why not?

Iwas I am: Good first attempt. Think about one day 3-5 years ago. What was it like? What did you do? Why did you not participate in extracurricular activities? Fear? No ride? Extended daycare made you watch TV?.. BTW - Inherited Indian Intelligence is a good stereotype that you could use - if you used it as a stereotype. If you use it a a biological fact - you have a lot of "splainin to do". I know what you do, but I don't know who you are? Ask yourself, why do I participate in swimming, tennis or why did I not look at football or lacrosse. What about the sport attracts me? This will allow you to reveal yourself by bringing a few minute details into sharp focus. Why do you want to be a CEO? What do you think a CEO does? What are you doing about it today? What will you do tomorrow, next year, about it? What does " living well " mean to you? Search, feel, express. Go large, be colorful - you can always tame it down later. Page 217: Doc name AND top of each page needs your name. This seems like a treatise on management that could have come any book, rather than YOUR autobiography. Make this personal. Your life, your feelings, your events, your acquired wisdom and your aspirations.

I was I am: I like the opening - "I was a little kid. I had no goals…. But to have fun." Now take me to that fun, show me that special friend, etch that special memory in my heart. Then show me the day or the series of events that "got you older". How did that security or protection go away? What does it mean for you to be "myself". I like "Scared for the future, living in the present." Expand that thought. Look around you, what do you do? Why do you do it? How do you know " it is good for me"? I like the fact that you run track even id you are not very good but what about it makes you go back to practice day after day? How are you trying to spend more time with your family? When you say " I am an Okay daughter" it begs an explanation. No orphan thoughts! What is a "good life" for you? " My goals will be set out for me" sounds passive. What will you do to discover your goals? What will you do to attain them? What will cause the sweat on your brow but a flutter in your heart? Think, feel and write. What does "being a better person" mean to you?

Iwas Iam: Good first attempt. I would like you to focus on you as a person and limit the general advice sounding statements. I want to know how you feel and why something was important to you. Think about this approach: I was Indian. I am an Indo - American ( what does that mean?) Or are you an Indian-American-good girl-fun-geek-dork-cool-academic-athlete-mean-kind -religious- rebellious multifaceted person? Was starting early the only lesson you learned from your History essay experience? Did you think about it? What else did you think might have been the reason? If you are going to talk about your grandfather, then really take us into the room - what did you feel? Then/ Later? What did you learn? What words were spoken, or not spoken? Is the date and time fact important to what you are trying to convey? How does it allow me to know you better?

Page 217: I don’t remember who you are. Your essay Collegeclass1 does not tell me who you are. Need name, essay assignment name and version in the name of DOC and your name on every page. Like the start and the thought process. The essay could use some editing - I suspect you know that. BTW - 103 degrees F is about 39.5 degrees Celsius, but 103 deg C is more like Martian temp! Good development of the scenario. I would recommend removing all sentences that add limited value to the essay. Not obvious what " This, for any common person, would not have been a very bad event, However, I thought, in the age of modern medicine anything is possible. " does for the essay. The essay needs to be developed more - you certainly have room on the page to do so.